A is for Apathy

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by Kai Grayson

Sunlight falls onto my eyelids, making my room an eerie shade of red that is crossed with veins. The sun has been beaming through the crack in my curtains for a few hours and I can feel that a layer of oil has developed on my skin. I contemplate opening my eyes while furiously kicking the blankets off my overheated body. Then it happens - I remember that despite my restless body and anxious heart, I managed to fall asleep. I was able to subdue my thoughts long enough to allow myself some sleep, but, oh my god, I am awake and thinking about it again.

I rub the dryness out of my eyes and look at my phone, knowing that nothing has changed, but hoping it has. I secretly pray to the universe that my dream comes true, tug my arm out from under my pillow, grab my phone, jam my thumb on the finger scanner, and - sigh. Nothing.

I suppress all of my real (hurt), true (rejection), valid (yearning) , important (sorrow) emotions and just think, “Well, I didn’t want to hear from you anyway.” I let my phone slip out of my fingers and bury my face into the pillow.

Another few hours here won’t hurt.

A sloppy free write I did in order to vent about being newly ghosted and not able to get out of bed. I wanted to channel my false apathy toward the ghosting situation that was, in actuality, apathy toward life in general.
— Kai Grayson, on inspiration for "Apathy"

KAI GRAYSON is a young, Black, creative type living in Tokyo, Japan. She dabbles in writing lyrics, scripts, short stories, poems, and frequently journals about the sob story that is her life. You will often find Kai napping on local public transportation in Tokyo as she commutes between her jobs singing, bartending, modeling, and teaching.